CATAPULTIA: The Land of Catapults. A Satire.

By Henry Olamiju.

You see, I live in a part of town where we cherish the things we have and believe a lot in ourselves.

Even though we have our own issues, many people still love to want to be like us and those who can’t make their parts look like ours eventually show up in our part of town.

There are many things I can tell you about my part of town but one very interesting thing that is uncommon to many parts is that we have lots and lots of catapults. Yes, catapults. Infact our part of town was named “Catapultia” because of this.. We have all kinds of catapults and for different reasons too. We have them in various shapes and sizes and they come in just the right specifications for whatever you want to do with them.

Due to the brilliance and sheer ingenuity of our carvers and sculptors (yes, many of our sculptors saw that wooden images of dead statesmen didn’t yield as much gain as catapults so they’ve jumped ship) many of our catapults can even launch more than one stone at once. More and more people are buying catapults these days.

You maybe wondering what our obsession with catapults are but you see, it goes way back in time. Longtime ago, during the times of our great great grandparents, our homes were invaded by a school of gorillas. At that point, since many of us were farmers and just a few were hunters, only a few people had catapults. We had to engage the gorillas in some kind of a war because the gorillas used whatever we threw at them against us. The stones and spears we launched at the gorillas were also thrown back at us. The only weapon we had that gave us advantage was the catapult.
Since then the catapult has been seen as a veritable weapon against such invasion of gorillas into our territory. So great was the consideration given to the catapult that our elders at that time decided to make major changes to our bye-laws by making it important for our people to arm themselves with catapults. . It was the second time such changes were made to our bye-laws.

So you see, we need catapults. Some rich people even have up to fifty catapults of varying sizes, capacities and technology in their homes. Even though most of us say we want to use it for hunting birds, lizards, and bush rats, many just want to have it at home for keeps.
It is even very easy to buy a catapult, just walk in to the nearest supermarket and voila you’d see an array of catapults next to the shelf displaying kitchenwares. Interestingly, it is easier to buy a catapult than to buy some medicines. This is good so that people don’t commit suicide by taking overdose.
The only ironical thing I see is that to kill a bird (or anything else) with a catapult is easy (just walk-in, buy catapult and fire away) but to adopt a bird (or anything else) is difficult because of background checks, bank statements etc but who cares as long as catapult makers and sellers are making money for the government and we are all happy owning our catapults?

Recently, however, some incidents involving the use of catapults have led to the deaths of many of our young children. These deaths were caused by the people who owned the catapults, not the catapults themselves. So we’ve come up with a slogan: “Catapults don’t kill people, people kill people”. Nobody should really blame the catapults at all. After all, my own catapult has not killed anybody.

Well, we have not had any invasion of gorillas since that first incident and it doesn’t look like there will ever be. But does that mean I should do away with my catapult because some people’s catapult killed people? Remember it is not the catapult that kills. Is it my fault that the gorillas have not invaded since?
What about if the gorillas come tomorrow after I’ve dropped my catapult? Even though we’ve fenced the zone that the gorillas came in through the last time and some of our chosen representatives take turn to debate and keep watch over every area of our land, I passionately believe everyone should be allowed to keep their catapults. We will not give up our catapults!!!

What’s more? People can still need to use their catapults for many other things. Some people may want to use the wooden part for chewing sticks, others may need the rubber-sling part of the catapult to make elastic shoes. You know if you put two catapult sticks in the ground and put a crossbar, you can roast small animals like millipedes, sweet butterflies, grasshoppers etc.

That’s all I’d say about my part of town for now. Don’t forget, you’re always welcome to Catapultia: where we love our catapults more than our people.

Henry Olamiju is on Twitter as @holamiju.

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